Elton opened his monologue by noting that the last time he'd appeared on the show was back in 1982, and quipped, "I figured out of all the things I tried once in the eighties, this seems like the safest thing to try again." Announcing that, truly, "The Bitch is back!," he went on to make a string of jokes about his new baby son, Zachary. "He's just like me," Elton said. "He cries and screams when he doesn't get what he wants, and he's had his ups and downs with the bottle." He also said baby Zachary was having problems feeding because he was "rejecting the breast." In that way, said Elton, he's taking after both his fathers. Elton also revealed during the monologue, for the first time publicly, that Lady Gaga is his son's godmother -- and he wasn't joking: it's true. He said, "It's funny, because I've always said Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. But Gaga loves Mars. She says it has good schools and great discos."
In addition to performing the songs "Hey Ahab" and "Monkey Suit" from his latest album The Union, Elton also appeared in the following sketches, playing the following characters:
--A Liberace-type piano player in the opening Lawrence Welk Show parody sketch.
--Himself, in a sketch about how a dragon was attacking London and the "Knights of the Realm," including Elton, Sir Michael Caine, Sir Richard Branson, Bono and Sir Ian McKellen, were all called upon to come up with ways to defeat the monster.
--Himself, in a sketch where he was discussing with Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip what he'd be performing at the Royal Wedding. Turns out behind closed doors, the royals are unpleasant working-class thugs. After they insulted all of Elton's hits, they and Elton jammed on a Clash-like rocker about riots in London.
--A gay cowboy who rides into a small Western town on a unicorn, wearing sequins and satin.
--One-half of a gay film critic couple, during which he continually made out with featured player Taran Killam.
--An evil singer whose music causes laser cats to turn evil, in one of the ongoing Laser Cats digital shorts.